The Workplace Edition

Workplace Woes 

When I left work the other day, I said "'slater" to my boss and walked out.

This display of frankly, disrespect, made me realise that if I can do that without anyone so much as batting an eyelid, there is a lot wrong with the workplace. So this aspiring better bloke has identified another area for self improvement: workplace etiquette. 

 

Shit Blokes: Where to start?

1. The loud speaker: This refers not only to the workplace foghorn or the people who yell across cubicles but also to the people who put their phones on loud speaker in an open plan office. Mate, my work is boring enough. I certainly don't want to be privy to your doings.

Pipe down, and put the receiver to your ear. It's that simple.

2. Mobile phone users: A woman who sits near me constantly gets calls from her husband about her son (who we shall call Barnaby). They go something like this: 

Lady: "Hello husband... oh he hasn't.... just try and suck it out of his nose... put him on... I said, put him on... Hello Barnaby, are you playing with daddy?... oh you don't like daddy?... Barnaby! Put it down!" etc.

You get the idea. 

Turn your mobile onto silent and take your personal calls outside. I don't care if your son stuck a Vegemite sandwich into the DVD player (and what can you do about it from your desk?) You're distracting and inconsiderate. 

3. Apple eaters: there is nothing worse then being in a quiet, open plan office, trying to concentrate and having your concentration pierced by the offensive and distinct "cccccccccrrrrrrrrcccchhhh" of a colleague eating an apple. And that's only the first bite. If you think you're eating the rest of the apple in silence, you're kidding yourself.

Choose a more office friendly snack, or take it to a more appropriate place.This leads me onto my next office gripe...

4. Meeting snackers: I've been in meetings where people have eaten apples (refer to 3 above). If you think that that juice isn't going to spray everywhere every time you say something, you're kidding yourself.

Eating a snack in a meeting is unprofessional, distracting and makes you seem like such a fatty that you can't even wait 30 minutes to eat your box of sultanas. Chances are, you will try and make a contribution while you have food in your mouth and everyone will see it. Crumbs may even spray onto the table, or onto your colleagues note books- what a treat.

If surgeons can go hours without taking a bag of chips into the operating theatre, I think you can wait until the end of the meeting. Alternatively, pre-empt the situation and eat before the meeting if you know that it may be a problem. It's not that hard.

5. Millers: People who mill around and chat while you're obviously trying to work are the worst. It's hard enough to get into the swing of things when everyone is tap-tap-tapping away at their keyboards let alone when two, or a bunch, of bored colleagues congregate to discuss their cats and their crushes (probably in that order).


6. Work attire: While in the lift recently a gentleman got in wearing a suit, and naturally, I didn't think anything of it... until I saw his footwear. He was wearing bright blue crocs.

The acceptability of crocs as casual wear is questionable let alone when you try and wear them to work. Have some pride and respect for yourself, your colleagues and clients and make an effort.


Better bloke learnings: Your colleagues don't have to like you "just the way you are", so be considerate and pre-empt potentially irritating situations.

 

Top Blokes: The Considerate Colleague

I sit next to one of these people, and she makes my day. 

Generally, these are the people who remember your birthday and decorate your desk. They bake for everyone and always volunteer to organise gifts for people who are retiring or going on maternity leave and social events for the team. They do the collections and get behind organisational charity drives. The kind of person that everyone wants in the team, but doesn't want to be. The lady next to me even brings in extra lunch or morning tea for me because she thinks that I might like it.

People like this are the unsung heroes of the workplace, and absolute top blokes.

Better bloke learnings: Be thoughtful. Your co-workers will like you more. 

Update: Just call me Nigella

This better bloke decided to use the Easter long weekend as an opportunity to become a good cook (learn to cook). Some might say that I went from zero to hero, others might say that I made a spinach and feta pie that tasted like lemon, and toed the line between sweet and savoury. Regardless, I also made some delicious Moroccan lamb racks with stuffed peppers.

To show you how far I have come, below is a picture of a pancake that I tried to make in the microwave (Yes. That happened.) and next to it is a picture of the Moroccan lamb.

I secretly suspect I might be quite talented in the kitchen. I'll keep you posted. 

Sl8er Better Blokes.

If you see a top bloke or a shit bloke, have any tips or pearls of wisdom to impart, e-mail me at beabetterbloke@gmail.com and I will pass them onto fellow aspiring better blokes. 

Disclaimer: Not all of the above images are my own. I have obtained them from the following sources:

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I'm Bringing Manners Back

Do you know what aren't overrated? Manners. 

After I hastily hobbled (as a result of some prematurely ambitious training for my Bridge to Brisbane better bloke) the final 10 meters to get the bus on Tuesday afternoon, the driver eye contacted me, closed the door, and drove off.

I. Was. Outraged.

He would have seen me hobbling in one of his obnoxiously large bus mirrors, and he still chose to drove off. It was nothing but the behaviour of a poorly mannered middle aged man.

When I was thinking about this incident, it occurred to me that this isn't uncommon, and so I have decided to dedicate this post to the various displays of well mannered, and poorly mannered people that I have observed this week.

Top Bloke: Holders and Forfeiters

 

1. The bin holder

I had lunch with a mate this week (top bloke in itself) and as I went to throw my salad (kicking the kegs) packaging into the bin, he held the bin open for me. Not only did he hold it for me, but he also held it for the woman who threw her sandwich bag in after me.

What a top bloke. No one likes touching bins and the slimy, ambiguous substances that inevitably encase them, at the best of times. So holding the bin open for someone is a total top bloke move.

2. The door and lift holder

I am always pleasantly surprised when someone holds a lift or door for you, opens the car door, or lets you exit first. It is a very small gesture in the grand scheme of things, but it suggests that someone isn't putting their needs above yours, something which is very rare (refer to the story of the bus driver above), and a total top bloke move.

3. The seat forfeiter

Whilst on a packed bus on Monday afternoon a man in his mid 30s offered me his seat. At first, I was shocked and thought that he assumed that I was either a) pregnant, b) old or c) disabled, but then I realised that he was just a top bloke.



Top bloke learnings: The fact that I was so surprised by these small, yet top bloke gestures, which are probably common courtesies, simply proves the fact that good manners are on the out in 2013. So be more considerate and do small things that pleasantly surprise people and make their days that little bit easier without making yours any harder.

Mr and Mrs Shit Bloke: Flashers

Mrs Shit Bloke: While at my nephew's baby music class (yes, babies go to music classes) something caught my eye and made me gag. No, it wasn't a child. Instead, it was a Grandmother who was sitting directly across from me on the ground wearing a peasant skirt with her legs up in what could only be described as an A formation, mindlessly tapping her foot to the tunes- I copped an eye full. Not only was this incredibly inappropriate and inconsiderate, it was down right disgusting. I shouldn't have been able to tell whether her curtains matched her drapes, if you know what I mean, and she shouldn't assume that getting her bits out at a children's music class, or at all, is acceptable, regardless of how comfortable she may feel in that space.

Mr Shit Bloke: As if once wasn't bad enough, while I was at the gym (kicking the kegs), a shit bloke was lying on the ground with his bottom to a mirror and his legs in the air in some kind of stretch. He was wearing shorts with in built underwear, and let me tell you, when you're legs 11 and stretching near a mirror, those undies don't cut it. Junk. City. Wear some jocks to the gym mate.

Shit bloke learnings: For goodness sake, cover up and appreciate that what might be acceptable at home is not acceptable in public. Pre-empt the situation that you're about to get yourself into and dress appropriately. 

Better Bloke Beat: Jake Bugg

Top blokes don't just tune, they also listen to tunes. 

Seen it All by Jake Bugg.

Get that all up in your ears.

Better Bloke Contributor: The Better Bloke Conversation Check List

The 21st century has borne phenomenal technological advancement. Want to have a video chat with your mate in Argentina while you're on the train to work? No problem. Or perhaps you've just left the residence of a sexy pal, desperately need a cab but have no idea where you are? No worries! Google maps will let you know your location with a friendly drop pin.

Sending and receiving information has never been easier, but it has come at a price.

Face-to-face communication - even voice-to-voice communication - is not what it once was. In a single day it's typical to receive e-mails, Snapchats, texts, Tweets, to partake in a bit of FB live chat and a little wall-to-wall banter. However, there's nothing quite like chatting away in real time.

Some people have an enviable knack for good conversation and can effortlessly engage with just about anyone. For others, it can be an awkward, sometimes sweaty exchange, leaving both parties edging for the exit. But those of us who come across as bumbling fools needn't be relegated to the leper colony.

Being able to have a relaxed and casual conversation is a skill that separates the top blokes from the shit blokes, AND, thankfully, there are things we can do to go from shit bloke to top bloke in one fell swoop.

So here is your top bloke convo checklist:

1. Listen

We all love talking about ourselves, but let's be honest, that bores others. So when you converse, ask interesting and thoughtful questions which make people feel engaged and excited to chat. E.g. Has your convo buddy got some holidays coming up, and if so, where are they going? You get the gist. Try to ask follow up questions as well- asking one mandatory question after the other before using their answer to segue into more about you is not what top blokes do.

2. Tailor the conversation to the listener

So you're with your mates, but there's a couple of newbies in the mix. If you're all in a weekend rugby club, is it going to make for good conversation if half the group can't contribute? Top blokes don't leave people hanging. On this point, if you're in a group scenario, there's no space for one-on-one. If someone else in the group is excluding another, be a top bloke and fill them in.

3. Give and take

There's no space for monologues in good conversations. While it's perfectly acceptable to tell a story, (and maybe it's even on the long side), if you notice you've been speaking for a while without any interaction from the other people, this is a sign it's time to hand the reigns over.


4. Avoid foot-in-mouth disease

It's Friday arvo at the pub, and you've been sinking the wines like it's nobody's business. Nekminnuit, you find yourself commenting on how ugly the new secretary is and it becomes apparent she's actually your colleagues' niece. Awk-city. Avoid these unnecessary foot-in-mouth horror stores by thinking before you speak. Unless you're with your core mates, leave the judgment-laden comments at home.

5. Don't interrupt

As all top blokes know, it's really, really annoying to be constantly interrupted while you're trying to contribute to a conversation. 1954's Esquire Etiquette explained it best when they described the two forms of interrupting: 

"The obvious one, interrupting the speaker in mid-sentence, is easy to avoid: just wait until the other has stopped talking before you start. (And don't ever say, "Have you finished?" You might as well say right out that he's a windy numskull and you thought he'd never run down.) The other kind of interruption, equally culpable, is often prefaced by "That reminds me..." or "By the way..." Such phrases usually signal a digression or irrelevancy. When you interrupt another's train of thought, you send a discussion off into a tangent, you indicate that you are either stupid or rude, and unable or unwilling to stick to the speaker's point."

6. Don't one-up

Just don't.

So your mate is really pumped to have just booked a ski-holiday in Thredbo, but your partner's Dad is paying for you to go on an all-expense paid 3-week trip in the Swiss Alps, flying first class. Save it for another time. One-uppers don't come across as cooler, wittier, or funnier - they come across as deeply insecure, and of course, as really, really shit blokes.  

Better bloke learnings: Having good manners isn't always about what you do, it is also about what you say and how you say it. Being a good conversationalist is impressive and will probably help ring in the blokes and birds, so it's worth it.


Have a good week better blokes!

If you see a top bloke or a shit bloke, have any tips or pearls of wisdom to impart, e-mail me at beabetterbloke@gmail.com and I will pass them onto fellow aspiring better blokes. 

Disclaimer: None of the above images are my own. I have obtained them from the following sources:
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Progress. Kind of.

Can a leopard really change its spots?

When a friend told me last Friday night that studies have shown that if you write something down or make it public, you are more likely to achieve it, I expected to be penning a cocky post this week so full of my better bloke achievements that my readers would not only be impressed, but intimidated. 

Not the case. Apparently it takes time for a leopard to change its spots.

My focus this week has been on kicking the kegs and improving my posture. I've also been sitting bolt upright (for most of) the week, my toes have been dug into the carpet under my desk and my tongue is on the roof of my mouth as I type (however, I am concerned that in strengthening my deep neck muscles I will actually develop a tree-trunk-footballer neck #whateverittakes). Although I am yet to volunteer, I did donate to a charity, so I feel like that has to count for something. Some progress has been made. 

Maybe it is safe to say that this leopard has changed half of a spot.

Failures (or areas for improvement- glass half full) this week have included getting black makeup on my beige carpet- this should have been prevented and pre-empted given it has happened before. There have also been numerous inconsiderate parking episodes (e.g. while having passengers in the car, I parked in front of a set of bins and in front of a pole, and said passengers were unable to get out) (I may have also complained when they asked me to move the car- worse again). 

However, as Yazz famously said in 1988, "The only way is up, baby!"

Sage advice, Yazz. 

Top Bloke: Stephanie Zillman

One of this bloke's BFFs shaved her head as part of the Leukaemia Foundation's annual Shave for a Cure campaign on Thursday morning. Not only did Steph have amazingly long and luscious golden locks, but her hair had previously been described as her "crowning glory." So this was kind of a big deal. Steph also managed to raise $2,500 on the back of my failure to action my volunteer somewhere better bloke. Way to show up a mate, mate. 

Regardless, anyone who is willing to forfeit their "crowning glory" for cancer research and to raise a butt load of money while doing so is a top bloke in my book. 

Top bloke learnings: sometimes other people's needs are greater than your own (laaaaaaaaaaaaame, but true).

Top Bloke: The Bus Bloke 

As I boarded the bus to work on Thursday morning, I was met with an enthusiastic "Welcome aboard!" An excellent, albeit, unexpected salutation at 7:30am. However, it wasn't until we stopped at a set of traffic lights that it became apparent that there was a top bloke on board the bus. 

While stopped, the driver turned around and firstly apologised for not running the yellow light (better bloke number one). He then enthusiastically asked who was excited to go to work (better bloke number two). Finally, he asked if anyone on the bus was celebrating their birthday and said that he had a Chupa Chup (lollypop) in his change tray that the birthday person could collect on their way out (absolute top bloke move). He remarked that our days couldn't be too bad because the third cricket test was starting and also told us to be nice to our bosses. 

That bloke managed to shake up what is essentially a boring job, even if he did seem slightly mad while doing it. He also made the morning of the 50 or so passengers on board and gave them some quality material to talk (or blog) about. What a top bloke.

Top bloke learnings: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. 

 Shit bloke: Ukrainian Navy Numbskulls

Ukrainian media outlets reported earlier this week that the Ukrainian navy lost three 'attack dolphins' in the Black Sea, and that the dolphins are currently AWOL. It was reported that the dolphins swam away from their trainers in search of a mate during a naval exercise in the Crimean port of Sevastopol. 

"What are attack dolphins?" I hear you ask. 

Well, they are dolphins that have been trained to "...find military equipment such as mines on the seabed, as well as attacking divers and even carrying explosives on their heads to plant on enemy ships." The dolphins are said to have weapons such as pistols and knives strapped to their heads to achieve this. 

The use of attack dolphins was an initiative originally undertaken by the former Soviet Navy in 1973, and inherited by the Ukrainian navy. The trained pod of dolphins were in semi-retirement until 2012, during which time they undertook "...civilian tasks such as working with disabled children, in order to keep the unit intact." 

Without even touching upon the whole using dolphins as military weapons issue and the myriad of ethical questions that that poses, if you are going to train attack dolphins, you should at least keep a decent eye on them while they are in the open water and expect that if you turn your back, they will probably swim off to find a mate and probably attack an innocent diver en route. Not to mention how confusing and terrifying it would be as a diver in the Black Sea to see a dolphin with a knife, or worse, a pistol, strapped to its head making a bee line for you. Amateur shit bloke move Ukrainian Navy. 

Shit bloke learnings: Pre-empt situations and think one step ahead, especially when you hold yourself out as being a tactical and strategic organisation. 

Update: The Ukrainian Ministry of Defence have denied these reports, as well as the fact that they use attack dolphins (despite the many images that repeatedly surface to suggest otherwise). It is now believed that the dolphins may not have escaped, but that they are still in use, a shit bloke move in itself.  

Better Bloke Thought for the Week  

 Until next time better blokes, peace out. 

If you see a top bloke or a shit bloke, have any tips or pearls of wisdom to impart, e-mail me at beabetterbloke@gmail.com and I will pass them onto fellow aspiring better blokes. 

Disclaimer: None of the above images are my own. I have obtained them from the following sources:
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Image three (note: Although this is not the bus I get to work, I wish it was).  

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This Bloke's Journey to Becoming a Better Bloke

What? Why? 

A discerning eye can pick them a mile away. The person who won't move from the aisle to the vacant window seat on the bus, or that guy who presses the >|< button in the lift when someone is desperately running to catch it. It's a fact of today's society that shit blokes are amongst us. More than that, they are everywhere. 

The classic shit bloke is someone who:

1. Is always late;
2. Doesn't respond to messages or return phone calls;
3. Is flakey and generally unreliable;
4. Lacks basic manners and the ability to engage common courtesy;
5. Doesn't reciprocate when someone buys them a drink;
6. And, in the most extreme cases, is a liar (this characteristic escalates said bloke from the traditional shit bloke category, to the ultimate shit bloke category). 

Everyone knows one. 

Inspired by this, I made it my New Year's resolution to become a better bloke by:

1. Being a nicer person and generally less judgmental (nuff said);
2. Being more thoughtful/considerate (e.g. if I see something that I know a mate has been looking for, get it for them, and don't just tell them that I saw it after buying one for myself);
3. Volunteer somewhere (yes, I know, "snooze" I hear you say);
4. Improve my posture (top blokes don't have dowagers humps or hockey stick backs) (unless they were born with them, in which case, they can't help it) (I wasn't. So I can.);
5. Take up a hobby that I can continue into my retirement (not only will this make this bloke generally more interesting, but it will fill my days during my twilight years);
6. Kick the kegs (self explanatory);
7. Improve my core strength (so as to avoid a 'Grandpa belly' like situation);
8. Learn to cook (a bloke's gotta eat);
9. Take better care of my appearance (e.g. it is unacceptable to pretend that I just went to the gym when going to the shops because I can't be bothered to choose another outfit or to put any effort into my hair);
10. Be financially responsible (e.g. replacing the money spent on my credit card is not saving);
11. Pre-empt situations (e.g. if I leave things sitting on the edge of the sink, I will knock them into the sink, and they will break); and
12. Personal challenge: Run the Bridge to Brisbane. 

"Ambitious list!" I hear you say. Well, watch me suckers. 

I won't be doing this on my own, instead I will be assisted by many of my better bloke mates who will help me along the way while also providing tips for my fellow aspiring better blokes (that's you). I will also learn from the top blokes and the shit blokes around me, and build up a bit of a repertoire of do's and don'ts. 

By the end of 2013, this bloke will be a better bloke. And you're going to read about it. 

Top Bloke: The Bradford Batman

A 39-year-old bloke in Bradford, England, delivered a guy wanted for burglary to Police whilst dressed in what has been described as an "ill-fitting" Batman costume. It has since become apparent that he had previously been at a soccer match (he was probably a bit drunk) and that the assailant was one of his mates. 

Regardless, accompanying a mate to the police station to turn themselves in, with or without a Batman suit, is a top bloke move. 

Update: Batman has since hit back at media reports that he was a portly version of the superhero by saving that he was wearing a tracksuit under his costume, to be fair. 

Shit Bloke(s): Stoppers, Obstructors, and Blockers

1. The Sidewalk Stopper
   
   You may have forgotten something, stopped to send a text, or worse, to read one, but what you don't realise is that you are obstructing the path of your fellow footpath users. That second of selfish-mindlessness causes a domino effect, for as someone else stops to dodge you, that person then blocks the path of the pedestrian behind them, and that person blocks the path of the pedestrian behind them etc. Best case scenario, they slow down and so does everyone else. Worst case scenario, as you abruptly come to a stop, the person behind you has to act quickly and there is a pedestrian collision with another innocent footpath user. Either way, it's a shit bloke move. Next time, be a top bloke, and cautiously move to the side of the sidewalk instead of suddenly stopping in your tracks.
   
2. The Stairwell Obstructor
   
   Sets of stairs that tend to be busy are also generally wider, so if someone is standing at the bottom of a set of stairs, it is possible for fellow stair users to simply go around them. However, going around a stairwell obstructor, and changing course, causes further congestion because everyone else has to 'merge'. Worst case scenario, the stairs become unnecessarily congested and people have to wait and descend at a much slower pace simply become some bloke is waiting for a mate in the middle, or at the bottom of the set of stairs.
   
3. The Escalator Blocker
   
   These people are the worst. Escalators aren't wide. In fact, they are particularly narrow and allow enough space for 1, maybe 2 people max, to stand side by side. Therefore, if you are standing at the top of the escalator contemplating your next move, there is a good chance that no one is going to be able to get past you. The worst part? Escalators move constantly. Once on it, there is no getting off. So if you decide to stop at the top, fellow escalator users have no option but to hit you once at the top. Not to mention the anxiety that they feel when they see the behind of someone blocking the top of the escalator and knowing that they have no option but to hit them. Don't do it. Be a top bloke and take a couple of steps away from the escalator and let people pass. 

Top bloke learnings: Be a better bloke and pre-empt the situation, and be considerate of those around you. 

Contributor: The Fit Bloke

This bloke has some pretty weak core muscles, so I asked my mate the physio for some advice, and this is what he said: 

Muscles can be broken up into movers and stabilisers. 

- Movers tend to be the large multi-jointed muscles like your Latissimus dorsi and Pec major (Google it); and

- Stabilisers tend to be smaller, single joint muscles like your rotator cuff or deep gluteal muscles (Google it). 

The role of the movers is self explanatory. They often operate for short periods/repetitive movements (e.g. lifting, throwing, walking, running like a boss etc.) Stabilisers have the equally, if not more important role of holding joints in alignment and or stabilising them through movement. For example, core muscles help control your lower back and general posture. Core muscles are in theory active at a low level all day (approximately 10%), controlling your back and posture at rest and with movement. 

Problems occur with injury and pain. It is common for stabilising muscles to be inhibited (switched off) when you're in pain. For example, when in pain your moving muscles try to take over the stabilising role causing further pain and generally imbalance your muscle system ( e.g. may cause further back pain, muscle soreness, uncoordination with movement etc.)

"So what can I do Fit Bloke?" I hear you ask.

Well, here is how you can get some of your core muscles working:

1. Draw up through the middle of your head as if it is being pulled up by a floating balloon. Whilst doing this, stick your tongue to the roof of your mouth (this last step helps your deep neck muscles).
2. Stand nice and tall with excellent posture and grip the floor with your feet (while doing so, you should feel your pelvic floor lift and tighten). 
3. Gently draw the bottom of your belly button (around your belt line) in towards the back of your spine- make sure your stomach doesn't bulge (e.g. in manner of Grandpa belly). This will work your transverse abdominus (Google it) (core stabilising muscles). 

If you have any pain, questions or concerns, see a physiotherapist. Or someone else who might be useful. 

Better bloke: Improve my core strength (so as to avoid a 'Grandpa belly' like situation). 

Until next time better blokes, peace out. 

If you see a top bloke or a shit bloke, have any tips or pearls of wisdom to impart, e-mail me at beabetterbloke@gmail.com and I will pass them onto fellow aspiring better blokes.